Billy TThe Mountain Testo

BILLY THE MOUNTAIN BILLY THE MOUNTAIN A REGULAR PICTURESQUE POSTCARDY MOUNTAIN RESIDING BETWEEN LOVELY ROSAMOND AND GORMAN WITH HIS STUNNING WIFE ETHEL A TREE BILLY WAS A MOUNTAIN ETHEL WAS A TREE GROWING OFF OF HIS SHOULDER (HEY, HEY, HEY!) BILLY HAD TWO BIG CAVES FOR EYES WITH A CLIFF FOR A JAW THAT WOULD GO UP OR DOWN AND WHENEVER IT DID HE'D PUFF OUT SOME DUST AND HACK UP A BOULDER NOW, ONE DAY, AND I BELIEVE IT WAS ON A TUESDAY, A MAN IN A CHECKERED DOUBLE-KNIT SUIT DROVE UP IN A LARGE ELDORADO CADILLAC LEASED FROM BOB SPREENE ("WHERE THE FREEWAYS MEET IN DOWNEY!") AND HE LAID A HUGE BULGING ENVELOPE RIGHT AT THE CORNER OF BILLY THE MOUNTAIN, THAT WAS RIGHT WHERE HIS FOOT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE. NOW, BILLY THE MOUNTAIN, HE COULDN'T BELIEVE IT: ALL THOSE POSTCARDS HE'D POSED FOR FOR ALL THOSE YEARS, AND FINALLY, NOW AT LAST, HIS ROYALTIES! "ROYALTIES, ROYALTIES, ROYALTIES! THE ROYALTY CHECK IS IN, HONEY...!" ...YES, BILLY THE MOUNTAIN WAS RICH! YES, AND HIS EYEBALLS CAVES, THEY WIDENED IN AMAZEMENT... AND HIS JAW, WHICH WAS A CLIFF, WELL, IT... IT DROPPED THIRTY FEET! A BUNCH OF DUST PUFFED OUT... ROCKS AND BOULDERS HACKED UP, HACK! HACK!... CRUSHING THE LINCOLN... I GAVE HIM THE MONEY HE ACTED REAL FUNNY HE HACKED UP A ROCK AND IT TOTALED MY CAR OH DO YOU KNOW ANY TRUCKS MIGHT BE BOUND FOR THE VALLEY I DON'T WANNA STAND HERE ALL NIGHT IN THIS BAR (DEAR LORD) I DON'T WANNA STAND HERE ALL NIGHT IN THIS BAR (NO SHIT) I DON'T WANNA STAND HERE ALL NIGHT IN THIS BAR BY TWO O'CLOCK, WHEN THE BARS HAD ALREADY CLOSED DOWN, BILLY HAD BROKEN THE BIG NEWS TO ETHEL AHHHH AND WITH DUST AND BOULDERS EVERYWHERE, BILLY, CHOKED WITH EXCITEMENT, ANNOUNCED: "ETHEL, WE'RE GOING ON A VACATION"... YES, AND THEY WERE GOING AN A VACATION, OH, AND ETHEL, ETHEL, ETHEL, LIKE ANY LITTLE WOMAN, SHE OF COURSE WAS VERY EXCITED, SHE CREAKED A LITTLE BIT, AND SOME OLD BIRDS FLEW OFF OF HER. BILLY TOLD ETHEL THEY WERE GOING TO... YES. THEY WERE GOING TO NEW YORK! "ETHEL, WE'RE GOING TO... NEW YORK" BUT FIRST THEY WERE GONNA STOP IN LAS VEGAS... IT'S OFF TO LAS VEGAS TO CHECK OUT THE LOUNGES, PULL A FEW HANDLES AND DRINK A FEW BEERS. OH ETHEL, ETHEL, MY DARLING, YOU KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU I'M GLAD WE COULD HAVE A VACATION THIS YEAR, OH NEAT-O, GLAD WE COULD HAVE A VACATION THIS YEAR." THEY LEFT THAT NIGHT, CRUNCHIN' ACROSS THE MOJAVE DESERT, THEIR VOICES ECHOING THROUGH THE CANYONS OF YOUR MINDS... "ETHEL, WANNA GET A CUPPA CAWFEE? HOWARD JOHNSON'S, HOWARD JOHNSON'S, A THERE'S A HOWARD JOHNSON'S!... WANNA EAT SOME CLAMS?" THE FIRST NOTEWORTHY PIECE OF REAL ESTATE THEY DESTROYED WAS EDWARDS AIR FORCE BASE. AND TO THIS VERY DAY, WING-NUTS AND DATA REDUCTION CLERKS ALIKE SPEAK IN REVERENT WHISPERS ABOUT THAT FATEFUL NIGHT WHEN TEST STAND ONE AND THE ROCKET SLED ITSELF GOT... LUNCHED, BY A FAMOUS MOUNTAIN AND HIS SMALL WOODEN WIFE... "WORD JUST IN TO THE KTTV NEWS SERVICE UNDENIABLY LINKS THIS MOUNTAIN AND HIS WIFE TO DRUG ABUSE AND PAYOFFS AS PART AS THE SAN JOAQUIN VALLEY SMUT RING. HOWEVER, WE CAN ASSURE PARENTS IN THE SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA AREA THAT A RECENT NARCOTICS CRACKDOWN IN TORRENCE... HAWTHORNE... LOMITA... WESTCHESTER... PLAYA DEL REY... SANTA MONICA... TUJUNGA... SUNLAND... SAN FERNANDO... PACOIMA... SYLMAR... NEWHALL... CANOGA PARK... PALMDALE... GLENDALE... IRWINDALE... ROLLING HILLS... GRANADA HILLS... SHADOW HILLS... CHEVIOT HILLS... WILL PROVIDE THE SECRET EVIDENCE THE PALMDALE GRAND JURY HAS NEEDED TO SEEK A CRIMINAL INDICTMENT AND PAVE THE WAY FOR STIFFER LEGISLATION, INCREASED FEDERAL AID, AND AVERT A CRIPPLING STRIKE OF BARTENDERS AND VETERINARIANS... THROUGHOUT THE INLAND EMPIRE..." WITHIN THE WEEK JERRY LEWIS HAD HOSTED A TELEPHON TO RAISE FUNDS FOR THE INJURED AND HOMELESS IN GLENDALE, AS BILLY HAD JUST LEVELLED IT. AND A FEW MILES RIGHT OUTSIDE OF TOWN BILLY CAUSED A 'OH MEIN PAPA' IN THE EARTH'S CRUST. RIGHT OVER THE SECRET UNDERGROUND DUMPS, RIGHT NEAR THE JACK-IN-THE-BOX ON GLENOAKS, WHERE THEY KEEP THE POOLS OF OLD POISON GAS AND OBSOLETE GERM BOMBS, JUST AS A FREAK TORNADO CRUISED THROUGH... YES, IT WAS ABOUT THREE O'CLOCK IN THE AFTERNOON WHEN LITTLE HOWARD KAPLAN WAS SITTING ON HIS PORCH... ("TOTO...!")JUST PLAYING ("COME HERE... TOTO!") HAVING A NICE TIME WITH HIS LITTLE ACCORDION, ("TOTO...!") AND THIS WEIRD WIND CAME UP... DIRECT FROM GLENDALE, BLOWING THESE TERRIBLE GERMS IN HIS DIRECTION... AND ALL OF THIS CAUSED BY A HUGE MOUNTAIN SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW, SUCKING UP TWO THIRDS OF IT (SUCK, SUCK, SUCK) FOR AN UNTIMELY DISPERSAL OVER VAST STRETCHES OF... WATTS!!!! NOW, UNLESS I MISUNDERSTOOD, IT WAS RIGHT OUTSIDE OF COLUMBUS, OHIO, WHEN BILLY RECEIVED HIS NOTICE TO REPORT FOR HIS INDUCTION PHYSICAL. NOW, LET ME TELL YA, ETHEL SAID, NOW ETHEL, ETHEL SAID SHE WASN'T GONNA LET HIM GO... "I'M NOT GONNA LET YOU GO, BILLY!"... THAT'S RIGHT, WE NOW HAVE CONFIRMED REPORTS FROM AN INFORMED ORANGE COUNTY MINISTER THAT ETHEL IS STILL AN ACTIVE COMMUNIST, AND IT IS THIS REPORTER'S OPINION THAT SHE ALSO PRACTISES WITCHCRAFT... IT WAS ABOUT THIS TIME THAT THE TELEPHONE RANG INSIDE OF THE SECRET BRIEFCASE BELONGING TO THE ONE MORTAL MAN WHO MIGHT BE ABLE TO STOP ALL OF THIS SENSELESS DESTRUCTION AND SAVE AMERICA HERSELF. AND I'M SORRY TO DISAPPOINT SOME OF YOU, IT WAS NOT CHIEF REDDEN THIS ONE MAN WAS STUDEBACHER HOCH, FANTASTIC NEW SUPER HERO OF THE CURRENT ECONOMIC SLUMP. NOW SOME FOLKS SAY HE LOOKED LIKE ZUBIN MEHTA, STILL OTHERS SAY... "BULLSHIT, HONEY, IT WAS JUST ANOTHER GREASY GUY WHO HAPPENED TO BE BORN NEXT TO THE FROZEN BEEF PIES AT BONEY'S MARKET..." STILL OTHERS SAY "PSHAW, PISS ON YOU, JACK, HE'S JUST A CRAZY ITALIAN WHO DROVE A RED CAR..." YOU SEE, NOBODY EVER REALLY KNEW FOR SURE BECAUSE STUDEBACHER WAS SOOOO MYSTERIOUS... HE WAS SO (HE WAS SO, HE WAS SO) MYSTERIOUS HE WAS SO (HE WAS SO, HE WAS SO) MYSTERIOUS 'CUZ WHEN A PERSON GETS TO BE SUCH A HERO, FOLKS, AND MARVELOUS BEYOND COMPUTE YOU CAN NEVER REALLY TELL ABOUT A GUY LIKE THAT WETHER HE'S REALLY A NICE PERSON OR IF HE JUST SMILES A LOT OR IF HE HAS A SON NAMED PINOCCHIO OR WHAT. WETHER HE'S REALLY A NICE PERSON OR IF HE HAS A SON NAMED PINOCCHIO OR WHAT  SOME MEN SAY HE COULD FLY SOME MEN SAY HE COULD SWIM OTHERS SAY HE COULD SING LIKE NEIL SEDAKA, AND ALL THE GIRLS IN FLUSHING WOULD BE AMAZED OF HIM TWO, THREE, AMAZED OF HIM... AMAZED... TIME PASSED. JANUARY, FEBRUARY, MARCH, JULY, WEDNESDAY, AUGUST, IRWINDALE, TWO THIRTY IN THE AFTERNOON, SUNDAY, MONDAY, FUNNY CARS, WALNUT, FRIDAY, CITY OF INDUSTRY, BIG JOHN MASMANIAN... SO WHEN THE PHONE RANG IN THE SECRET BRIEFCASE A STRONG MASCULINE HAND WITH A DUDLEY DO-RIGHT WRIST WATCH AND FLEXY BRACELET GRABBED IT AND ANSWERED IN A DEEP CALMLY ASSURED VOICE: "SO... AH... YEAH, YEAH HELLO, ALREADY... WHAT? WELL, YEAH? AH-ARE YOU KIDDING... YOU'RE NOT KIDDING... A MOUNTAIN... WITH A TREE GROWING OFF OF HIS SHOULDER?? AW, YOU'RE FULLA SHIT, MAN... AH LISTEN, BY THE WAY, BEFORE YOU GO ON: DID YOU GET THOSE WHITE ALBUMS I SENT YOU WITH THE PENCIL ON THE FRONT, YEAH? YOU SHOULD MOVE SOME OF THOSE FOR ME, YEA?... WELL, LISTEN, KISS LITTLE JAKEE ON THE HEAD... HOW'S YOUR WIFE'S HEMORRHOIDS?... AH, THAT'S TOO BAD... LISTEN... SO YOU'VE GOT A MOUNTAIN, WITH A TREE, CAUSING WELL, LET ME WRITE THIS DOWN... SORTA TAKE A FEW NOTES HERE... YEA?... TO EL SEGUNDO HUH? CAUSING UNTOLD DESTRUCTION... WANTED FOR DRAFT EVASION?...AN EXPENSE ACCOUNT?... AND PER DIEM, TOO?..." SOME MEN SAY HE COULD DANCE THEY SAID HE COULD DANCE AND OF COURSE THEY WERE RIGHT... LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS IS IT: THE STUDEBACHER HOCH DANCING LESSON & COSMIC PRAYER FOR GUIDANCE, FEATURING AYNSLEY DUNBAR!... HIT IT... TWIRLY... TWIRLY... TWIRLY... TWIRLY... TWIRLY, FILLMORE... NOBODY CAN DANCE LIKE STUDEBACHER HOCH SO MANY RUMORS HAVE SPREAD ABOUT STUDEBACHER HOCH... (SPELLING) CONSIDER THIS RUMOR... WHICH WAS PUBLISHED ABOUT THREE WEEKS AGO IN ROLLING STONE...(OH, IT'S GOTTA BE TRUE!)... "STUDEBACHER HOCH CAN WRITE THE LORD'S PRAYER ON THE HEAD OF A PIN!" (NO!) DO-DO-DO, DO-DO-DOOT DOOT DO-DO-DO... I'M SO HIP! BEEF PIES... HE WAS BORN NEXT TO THE BEEF PIES, UNDERNEATH JONI MITCHELL'S AUTOGRAPHED PICTURE, RIGHT BESIDE ELLIOT ROBERT'S BIG BANK BOOK, NEXT TO THE BOAT WHERE CROSBY FLUSHED AWAY ALL HIS STASH AND THE COPS CAME AND THEN THEY TOOK HIM AWAY TO THE CAN WHERE NEIL YOUNG SLIPPED ANOTHER DISC... BOLDLY SPRINGING INTO ACTION HE PHONED HIS WIFE WHO RAN A MODELING SCHOOL, WHEREUPON HE... YES, HE RAN AROUND THE BACK OF THE BROADWAY AT HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD AND VINE TO SEE IF HE COULD FIND HIMSELF SOME BIG, LARGE UNUSED CARDBOARD BOXES... (NO SHIT!)... AFTER WHICH HE HIT UP THE RALPH'S ON SUNSET FOR SOME AUNT JEMIMA SYRUP, SOME KAISER BOILER FOIL AND A PAIR OF BLUNT SCISSORS, YEAH!... YES, AND IN THE PARKING LOT OF RALPH'S... (WHERE NO PRICES ARE LOWER PRICES THAN RALPH'S...) IN THE PARKING LOT OF RALPH'S, IN BETWEEN A PAIR OF CUSTOMIZED TRUCKS WHERE NOBODY WAS LOOKING, HE CUT OUT SOME REALLY, REALLY, REALLY NICE WINGS AND HE COVERED THEM THOROUGHLY WITH FOIL... THEN HE TOOK THOSE WINGS AND WEDGED ONE UNDER EACH OF HIS POWERFUL ARMS AND SNEAKED IN TO A TELEPHONE BOOTH... YES!! AND THEN HE SHUT THE FUCKING DOOR!... AND HE PULLED DOWN HIS BLUE DENIM POLICEMAN-TYPE TROUSER PANTS, AND HE SPREAD EVEN AMOUNTS OF AUNT JEMIMA MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER THE INSIDE OF HIS LEGS!... SOON THE BOOTH WAS FILLING WITH FLIES (HELP ME! HELP ME! HELP ME!)... HE HELD OPEN THE LEGS OF HIS BOXER SHORTS SO THEY COULD ALL GET IN, AND WHEN EACH AND EVERYONE OF THOSE LITTLE COCKSUCKING FLIES HAD GONE INTO HIS PANTS AND THEY WERE LAPPING UP ALL THAT MAPLE SYRUP, HE BENT OVER AND PUT HIS HEAD BETWEEN HIS LEGS AND HE SAID IN A VERY CLEAR, IMPRESSIVE RON-HUBBARD-TYPE VOICE: "NEW YORK"... AND THE BOOTH AND EVERYTHING LIFTED UP, OUT OF THE PARKING LOT, AND INTO THE SKY. STUDEBACHER HOCH YEAH, YEAH STUDEBACHER HOCH STUDEBACHER HOCH STUDEBACHER HOCH HE'S SPREADING HIS LEGS WITH AUNT JEMIMA SYRUP UP AND DOWN HIS SHORTS WILL BE FILLED WITH FLIES THAT WILL BE BUZZING ALL AROUND STOODLABAKER HOCH IS REALLY OUTA SIGHT STOODLABAKER HOCH HE DOES IT EVERY NIGHT STOODLABAKER HOCH HE TREATS THE FLIES ALL RIGHT STOODLABAKER HOCH THAT'S WHY THEY NEVER BITE, HEY! HE COULD BE A DOG OR A FROG OR A LESBIAN QUEEN (FLY TO NEW YORK) HE COULD BE A NARC OR A LADY MARINE OH HE MIGHT PLAY DIRTY HE'S OVER THIRTY GETTING OLD I DON'T KNOW HIS PECULIAR ATTIRE AND THE FLIES HE REQUIRES KEEP LEADING HIM ON 'CUZ ETHEL IS GONE THEY KEEP LEADING HIM ON 'CUZ ETHEL IS GONE AND THE MOUNTAIN SHE'S ON AND SPEAKING OF MOUNTAINS--WE'LL JOIN STUDEBACHER HOCH ON THE EDGE OF BILLY THE MOUNTAIN'S MOUTH... TAKE IT AWAY!... "AH...YA, YA, YA, HEY-AH BILLY, LISSEN... I'VE COME TO REASON WITH YOU... OUR GREAT COUNTRY NEEDS YOU IN THE ARMED FORCES... YOUR NUMBER CAME UP... YA CAN'T GO ON RUNNING LIKE THIS FOREVER..." AH, BUT ETHEL JUST SHOOK HER TWIGS ANGRILY. BUT STUDEBACHER HOCH, CALM, COOL, COLLECTED AND UNPERTURBED CONTINUED: "YA, WELL LISTEN YOU... LISTEN YOU COMMUNIST SONOFABITCH... YOU BETTER GET YOUR ASS DOWN THERE FOR YOUR FUCKIN' PHYSICAL OR I'LL SEE TO IT THAT YOU GET USED FOR FILL DIRT IN SOME IMPENDING NEW JERSEY MARSH RECLAMATION... AND YOUR GIRLFRIEND THERE WILL WIND UP DISGUISED AS A SERIES OF BROOMS, PRIMATIVE IRONING BOARDS, OR A DOG HOUSE... GET THE... (COUGH! COUGH!) GET THE PICTURE?" YA, WELL BILLY JUST LAUGHED: "HA, HA, HA. IF THEY THINK THEY'RE GONNA DRAFT ME, THEY'RE CRAZY." UNFORTUNATELY BECAUSE STUDEBACHER HOCH WAS STANDING ON THE EDGE OF BILLY THE MOUNTAIN'S MOUTH WHEN THE GIANT MOUNTAIN LAUGHED... STUDEBACHER HOCH LOST HIS FOOTING AND FELL SCREAMING, TWO HUNDRED FEET INTO THE RUBBLE BELOW... ("AAAHHHHH, OH FUCK, I'M GONNA NEED A TRUSS...") AH, LISTEN, THAT ONLY GOES TO SHOW YOU A MOUNTAIN IS SOMETHING YOU DON'T WANNA FUCK WITH YOU DON'T WANNA FUCK WITH DON'T FUCK AROUND DON'T FUCK AROUND! AND DON'T FUCK WITH BILLY AND DON'T FUCK WITH ETHEL YOU SAW WHAT JUST HAPPENED TO THE GUY WITH THE FLIES DON'T FUCK AROUND DON'T FUCK AROUND... WITH BIDDILLY, BIDDILLY BIDDILLY, BIDDILLY, BIDDILLY BIDDILLY THE MOUNTAIN