Away From Her Testo

She's lovely, her hands are trembling because she was moved by my love. My sorrow. Because no one has ever loved her with this passion, because she is almost 20 years old and yet if she died the next day, there would be no one to mourn like I would. She knows I would still mourn after more than 20 years. I fell in love with her because the first thing I had done to her was hurt her. I might of never noticed her as a person if I had not seen the pain in her eyes.

The time came and I was waiting for her to leave. I didn't wait. I wasn't really able to think about what was happening. I was just there. When I went to drive to see her for the last time, it didn't seem like the last anything. I don't remember driving home. Unlocked the door, close all my windows. Took a bath. I sat. I listened to the phone ring and went to bed. It was that day again, and then it wasn't. This was several times happening. Sometimes I'd reach out to touch her face so I'd know I wasn't alone. Someone said that the pain would go away but I'm not sure that's where I want it to go. It's how I feel her most sharply, and without it...Every move I make echos because she's not here to absorb me. I don't like bouncing back at myself. An ex lover wants your soul, wants your life then your death too. And you give it, its the only way to feel anything again.

It's no event, It's nothing that happened, it's just you. The anger and the beauty that never really goes away. It's not something you could wait out as it disappears, nothing ever really just disappears. My mind still clings to the image of her. Love grows far beyond the physical person. It finds it's deepest meaning in her spiritual being, her inner self. Whether or not she's actually present...Somehow it's important to me. I just wish the people you want the most, want you just the same. I wish the people you were with for so many years are actually your soul mates, are actually the people you do marry. I miss being so comfortable knowing that she loved me, thinking nothing would tare us apart. She's gone and I can't do anything about it. and thats the hardest part, is when you can't do anything about it when you know you want to and you know you would if you could. But you're happy, if she's living her life in happiness and in love, even if it's not with you. You're happy, You're happy because at least she's still smiling...


[Dedicated to Polly Garcia]